From Rejection to Admission: A Case Study in Crafting a Winning Statement of Purpose, a Client Success Story

Background: Using a Graduate Degree to Change Careers

This client came to me through a referral. Having already earned a degree in economics, she was applying for a graduate program in psychology in the U.S., planning to transition to a new field. She came in with several rejections already under her belt. She could not understand what the problem was and sought my feedback on her personal statements.

We worked together in three sessions, during which we delved deeply into her background and reviewed her essays. After our collaboration, she was accepted into her dream program at Pepperdine University and successfully moved to the U.S. to begin her studies.

When I started out as an admissions consultant, I gave feedback on the basis of a draft essay alone. However, I quickly realized that this was like diagnosing a patient based solely on written symptoms without a proper examination. While it yielded some results, it was insufficient to fully address the underlying issues. Without an in-depth conversation, it’s close to impossible to understand the clients’ motivations, the reasoning behind their life choices, and their aspirations—all essential for crafting a compelling essay.

Nowadays, when I assist clients with their essays, I use a hybrid approach. First, I conduct a preliminary analysis of the essay. It is followed by a one-on-one session the main goal of which is for me to ask clarifying questions. I also answer any questions the client may have and provide constructive feedback. Afterward, I prepare a detailed analysis and recommendations. Over the years, I’ve found this method to be the most effective.

Diagnosis: Problems with the Statement of Purpose

After reviewing her essays, I identified the following problems:

• Trying to say too much: She attempted to tell her entire life story in a single essay instead of strategically selecting key experiences that aligned with her goals and the program’s focus.‍
• Excessive Use of Quotes: The essay started with a quote that wasn’t tied to the essay’s content. Moreover, the first paragraph alone included three quotes. This diluted the originality and impact of her narrative.‍
• Prompt-Driven Answers Instead of a Central Application Message: She tried to answer each essay question directly without crafting a strong, cohesive application narrative first. The essays focused too much on program features and career aspirations and not enough on her background, making it difficult to differentiate her application from others. Consequently, the essays felt superficial and failed to effectively convey the strength of her candidacy.‍
• Time Gaps: The essay started with a story from childhood and then transitioned to her university years. However, by the time of the application she’d been out of school for 10+ years – and there was very little in the essay about that period of time. It left a significant gap unaccounted for, with little mention of her recent work and achievements.‍
• Focusing on Trauma Without Overcoming: When describing difficult experiences in her life, she did one of the common mistakes: she focused on the struggle itself without articulating how she overcame adversity or how those experiences shaped her as a person.‍
• Explaining the Field Instead of Focusing on Her Background and Motivations: At times, the essay veered into describing the psychology field rather than discussing her personal journey. For example, she wrote about the role of public sentiment in the functioning of the markets but didn’t connect it effectively to her candidacy.‍
• Lack of Specificity: The essay contained statements like “The [name of program] program at [X school] is one of the best” which lacked supporting reasons or specific program features that resonated with her goals. Similarly, examples like “excellent research and internship opportunities” or “the first several factors that led me to psychology were my work, my academic background, and my public speaking experience” were too vague and lacked compelling and authentic details.‍
• Irrelevant Details: The essay contained excessive detail unrelated to her candidacy or the goal of the application. For example, mentions of activities like participating in the Arctic Club or attending conferences in economics did not connect to her interest in psychology. In the context of graduate applications, however, it is crucial to use examples that support your argument about why this degree now and always stay on point. ‍
• Unexplained and Confusing Statements: For instance, she wrote: “I don’t have the slightest doubt that this model will help people develop critical thinking, as a result of which they will be able to resolve the inner conflict between their own values and society’s.” Such statements were unclear and lacked evidence or context.‍
• Unclear Motivation for Pursuing the Chosen Degree: Her reasons for changing career trajectories were vague, centered around generic statements about helping people, with few tangible examples to support her decision. The essay lacked a clear turning point or explanation of why she was pursuing this degree at this stage in her life. Further, there was a discrepancy in the motivation: her passion for psychology stemmed from working with children in a side project, yet she expressed interest incorporate counseling for leaders as a potential avenue for the future. This created confusion about her primary motivations.‍
• Too Many Career Directions: She expressed a desire to open a counseling practice, pursue a PhD, and explore multiple fields simultaneously. Further, the essay listed numerous interests spanning fields like cross-cultural psychology, moral judgment, evolutionary psychology, positive psychology, and many others. While diverse interests are valuable, this overwhelming list diluted the essay’s focus and made it hard to discern her true priorities, undermining the application’s clarity.

Solutions: Suggested Improvements

When I work with clients on their applications, my approach focuses on identifying formative life experiences and constructing a compelling narrative around them. This framework is part of my original 5-step methodology for writing personal statements. During 1-on-1 sessions, I ask targeted questions to uncover impactful stories that align with the applicant's goals. For this client, we focused on improvements in the following areas:

1. Financial Literacy Project for Schoolchildren

had a side-project that she maintained for 6+ years during her university years and alongside her main job. This side project was not only a significant achievement but also the start of her passion for psychology. It connected to her personal motivation: creating a better environment for children who face challenges like she did, especially children who experienced bullying due to their learning disabilities. She linked this to her experience of being bullied at school, adding a personal dimension to her application.‍

2. Overcoming a Learning Disability

As I've talked elsewhere, in the context of applications it’s the overcoming, not the struggle that matters. Whatever you write about, you need to accentuate how you overcame the adversity, not the adversity itself.

I advised her to carefully frame her struggles with a learning disability, shifting the focus from the difficulties to her perseverance and eventual success. Her initial draft mentioned struggles such as remembering historical dates and solving math equations but did not provide clarity regarding the cause of difficulties, in her case it being a learning disability. Overall, it painted a picture of failure and raised red flags as to her ability to complete a rigorous academic program.

To reframe it,

• I suggested starting with a powerful achievement, in her case winning an Employee of the Year award — and then flashing back to her earlier challenges, showing her journey of resilience and growth.

• I further recommended to highlight her achievements, like winning a regional social science Olympiad twice and improving her academic performance significantly. This demonstrated a clear trajectory of hard work and success.
• The theme of academic success was further strengthened but articulating her later accomplishments, such as maintaining a high 3.75/4.00 GPA while working and paying her tuition fees.

3. Adding Specificity

I advised her to add specificity to her descriptions, answering questions like: What exactly did she do in her financial literacy campaign? What kind of students were involved? How long did the project last? These details gave weight to her achievements and demonstrated her hands-on impact.

4. Streamlining the Narrative

To avoid a boring sequential chronology, we made the essay more dynamic by focusing on key experiences and their outcomes. Personally important but     nonetheless unrelated details, such as her project of writing a book (which lacked clear relevance to her goals), were excluded to keep the narrative focused. This was a reminder that not every detail, no matter how cherished, needs to be included in an essay. It doesn’t mean it’s not valuable – it is, but if it doesn’t serve the goal of the essay, it has to go.

5. Refining Career Goals and Interests

I suggested ignificantly narrowing down the areas of specialization she     wanted to explore, ensuring they aligned with what the university offered.     Instead of listing multiple fields, she focused on a few areas and described them in greater depth. Similarly, her career goals were clarified, reducing the impression of scattered ambitions while providing strong motivations for her choices.

Results

‍By addressing these areas, her essay became a well-structured and compelling story of resilience, motivation, and focus, effectively showcasing her candidacy for the program. As a result of our work together, she was accepted to her desired program at the Pepperdine University and started her journey in psychology.

If you'd like to see similar results, you are welcome to reach out (the process is described in the Resources & Services section).

If you'd like to learn more, I share my process writing the Harvard LL.M. personal statement in a three-part post series here: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. It's an illustration of my original 5-step methodology for writing personal statements. The core of this methodology is identifying and focusing on formative life experiences to craft a compelling LL.M. application. In this post I explain how I strategically chose what experiences to include and what to leave out. You can also read about my philosophy on using personal stories, as opposed to professional, here (the overarching framework) and here (how I applied it to my Harvard essay). For the essay on a legal issue (Harvard's personal statement, part 'b') or a writing sample, please check out this post.

I have also published a selection of my application essays and created a course, The Ultimate Guide to a Personal Statement That Gets You Admission, with a full roadmap for writing a winning personal statement, motivation letter, or statement of purpose.

Good luck, and happy writing! ☺️

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